I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
