I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
