Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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