I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
