I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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