Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
