I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
