if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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