Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
