Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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