I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
