Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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