I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
