How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
