he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
