dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
