I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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