I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
