I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
