For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
