her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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