Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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