He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
