If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had to cum in my sink.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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