Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
