ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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