what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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