Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
