I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
there is glitter all over my balls
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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