Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
