I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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