I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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