Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
