I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
