hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
