im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
