my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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