I seem to have left my pride at pride
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
