i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
