I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
