He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
