who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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