please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
