i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
