I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
