i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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