I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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