I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
