textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
