I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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