I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
