Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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