Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
